SUMMER STATEMENT POEM

CHEEKY!

You’re choking and dying, your children are crying, 

your prospects have all turned to shreds;

You’re craving a rope to grab onto for hope —

here’s a tenner off Nando’s instead. 

You’re drowning in debt and your bills can’t be met

and the loss of your income you dread;

you sigh and lament for you cannot pay rent —

here’s a tenner off Nando’s instead.

Oh what can you do? You need to get through

and you fear that the virus has spread;

you splutter and cough: will they help you? PISS OFF! 

Here’s a tenner for Nando’s instead.

according to BBC News on 08/07/20: "Chancellor Rishi Sunak unveiled the "eat out to help out" discount as part of a series of measures to restart the economy amid the coronavirus pandemic. The deal means people can get up to £10 off per head if they eat out between Monday and Wednesday.

a poem based on personal experience

ADHD

I open up a book and then

I read the same sentence again and again

I open up a book and then

I read the same sentence again and again

I open up a book and then

I think I’ll have pizza tonight.

I read the same sentence again and again

I open up a book and then

I read the same sentence again and again

I open up a book and then

I read the same sentence again and again

Hey look! There’s a butterfly!

I open up a book and then

I read the same sentence again and again

I open up a book and then

I read the same sentence again and again

on the loss of my lockdown beard

OBEARDTUARY

So long then. Farewell. I’ll miss you my friend.

For multiple weeks you have clung to my face.

I have to move on and our union must end. 

The moment has come to unclasp our embrace. 

So long then. Adieu. I’ll miss you my chum. 

My wife says you’re scratchy and somewhat unkempt. 

I do what I'm told for I’m under her thumb

and she holds you, quite frankly, in utter contempt. 

But she doesn’t know you like I do, my sweet.

You’ve stood by my side through the toughest of times.

Without you, I fear, I will feel incomplete

but this life is unfair and the death knell, it chimes. 

Goodbye then. Godspeed. Sayonara and ciao. 

Yet don’t be downhearted; I rather foresee

though the clippers are out and it’s over for now

we’ll be meeting again in a fortnight or three.

POEM TO MARK THE REOPENING OF PUBS ON 04/06/20

SICKNESS

We’ll jostle Sickness in the queue

With Sickness we’ll consume a brew

Not one, not two, but quite a few

To the pub! To the pub! To the pub!

We’ll flirt with Sickness by the bar

Then order her a cheeky jar

“Oh Sickness, yer a fuckin’ star!”

To the pub! To the pub! To the pub!

We’ll dance with Sickness to the tunes

We’re free, at last, from our cocoons

We’ve longed for this for many moons

To the pub! To the pub! To the pub!

We’ll fight with Sickness in the street

We’ll puke with Sickness on concrete

Now life is normal! Life is sweet!

To the pub! To the pub! To the pub!

With Sickness we will share a cab

And all the way we’ll grope and grab

Then later on we’ll joust and jab

To the pub! To the pub! To the pub!

We’ll wake with Sickness in our beds

Emerge with Sickness in our heads

So pub tonight? Or home instead?

TO THE PUB! TO THE PUB! TO THE PUB!

THE WRITE TO LIFE

This poet's left out in the cold.
Of doors there was a closure.
They took away his roof and clothes
and paid him in exposure.

'CATCHING UP' - poem for Gavin Williamson, Education Secretary

Well now. This new poem goes out to Williamson, Gove, Johnson, Adonis and all the men in suits who see fit to pontificate about children's education, especially during the time of the pandemic.

THE INTERNET IS WATCHING

It knows the times

you sleep and wake,

and when you work

or take a break,

and every choice

you ever make —

the internet is watching. 

It clocks the things

you say and do,

with prying eyes

it spies on you

and launches a

surveillance coup —

the internet is watching.

It tracks you with

its laser sight,

observing you

both day and night.

Forever trapped,

you can’t take flight —

the internet is watching. 

Its pincers poke

inside your brain;

You can’t opt out,

you can’t abstain,

so mind your step

and don’t complain —

the internet is watching.