ROCD

I thought I loved you but I told myself

I didn’t know what love was, so how

could I be sure? And if I wasn’t sure, then

how could I say the words? Every time

I said them my ribs crushed my heart

that bit tighter, cranking it harder with every

utterance. It got to the point where I had

to tell you. Tell you that I wasn’t sure. And

even then, I wasn’t sure what to say. That

I didn’t love you? Well how could I possibly

know that? Back then there was no diagnosis

for what this was, so I couldn’t just point to

a page in a textbook. There were no sites

to direct you to, just the dust that caught

in my throat as I tried to speak. We broke up.

Of course we did. Neither of us could put up

with this for much longer. Yet that didn’t stop

me walking to your house at 5am. It was

several miles away. I should have got the bus,

but I wanted the walk. Somehow I hoped

that each step I took might knock my mind

a bit more into place. A mile or two in, I

got a text from you – from the other direction

you were on foot, making your way to me.

Joshua Seigal