Pete Hegseth

Pete Hegseth has twenty seven eggs for breakfast

Pete Hegseth won’t take your shit

Pete Hegseth slicks his hair back with the innards of his enemies

Pete Hegseth drinks fifty Bud Lites a day and crushes the can afterwards, without fail

Pete Hegseth gives nerds wedgies

Pete Hegseth has sired twenty seven children

Pete Hegseth has an anvil in place of a heart

Pete Hegseth didn’t start things, but he’ll finish things

Pete Hegseth will finish you

Pete Hegseth is SMASHING it

Pete Hegseth is SMASHING EVERYTHING

Pete Hegseth only drinks milk straight from the cow, then he eats the cow, raw

Pete Hegseth is a 200 pound slab of righteous fury

Pete Hegseth cries when he hears the National Anthem (but only then)

Pete Hegseth didn’t order anchovies on this shit, send it the hell back

Pete Heseth went to Harvard so f-ck you

Pete Hegseth wants the finest wines known to humanity, he wants them here and he wants them now 

Pete Hegseth crushes snails, and what you gonna do about it, four eyes?

Pete Hegseth lives for war

Pete Hegseth is war

Pete Hegseth will crunch your bones if he deigns to shake your hand

Pete Hegseth drives a Tesla tank at ten times the speed limit

Pete Hegseth slaps food out of the laps of orphans

Pete Hegseth’s is a man’s man’s man.

Pete Hegseth writes ‘ALPHA’ when asked for his pronouns

Pete Hegseth lied earlier about not crying. He cries himself to sleep most nights.

Joshua Seigal