A MINI-ANTHOLOGY OF FOOTBALL POEMS

Over the last few months, I have been working on a collection of football poems, along with several other authors. The final selection of poems has now been decided. With that in mind, I'd like to present on my blog a selection of poems that did not make the final cut, but which I nonetheless hope you enjoy. Here they are. Enjoy!

Touchline Dad 

When Dad’s on the touchline

he bellows and screams,

berating the ref

and upsetting the teams.

He stamps with his feet

and his cheeks go all red.

He loses his temper.

He loses his head.

When Dad’s on the touchline

he raves and he rants.

The ref gets so nervous 

he pees in his pants.

The striker is sobbing.

The keeper is numb.

The winger’s uneasy.

The manager’s glum.

When Dad’s on the touchline

it’s never good news. 

He’s got a bad temper.

He’s got a short fuse.

He makes it unpleasant.

It’s really a shame.

We’re only aged seven.

It’s only a gam

Goalkeeper Blues

Well I’m standin’ in the rain

And my jersey’s soaked right through

Yeah I’m standin’ in that rain

And my jersey’s soaked right through

And they’ve left me all alone here

Don’t know what I’m gonna do

Got the goalkeeper blues

Got the goalkeeper blues

And my hands are feelin’ sweaty

This ain’t what I wanna choose

Well the others have the ball

And they kickin’ it at me

Yeah the others have that ball now

And they kickin’ it at me 

And the ball is in the net baby

And the score is now 4-3

Got the goalkeeper blues

Got the goalkeeper blues

And my teammates shoutin’ at me

This is mighty awful news

Don’t wanna be in goal

But they gone and stuck me here

No don’t wanna be in goal my lord

But they gone and stuck me here

And I’m freezin’ and I’m loansome

And I’m sheadin’ me a tear

Got the goalkeeper blues

Got the goalkeeper blues

Next time they stick me do it 

Well I swear I’ll just refuse

Got them goalkeeper blues 

Flop

Cost 80 mil 

Drives a fancy car 

Moved over here

To be a star

His talent they told us

Would take him far

What is he?

He’s a flop.

Can’t score a goal

Can’t kick a ball 

Can he take set pieces?

Not at all

I’m banging my head

Against the wall

What is he?

He’s a flop. 

Like wading through treacle

When he’s on the flank

Though he skips with joy

On the way to the bank 

He’s as elegant

As a massive tank

What is he?

He’s a flop. 

Cost 80 mil

Now it’s down the drain

He’s missed a penalty

Yet again

Ship him out!

Stick him on a plane!

What is he?

He’s a flop.

Hat-Trick Haiku

Yes yes yes yes yes

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes 

Yes yes yes! Get in!

Yes yes yes yes yes 

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes 

Yes yes yes yes yes! Get in!

Yes yes yes yes yes 

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes 

Yes yes yes yes yes! GET IN!!!!!

Ten Things That Are Better Than a Goal

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Claim to Fame 

My uncle’s

neighbour’s

grandfather’s

carpenter’s

brother’s

mate’s

gardener’s

dad’s 

wife’s 

electrician

was an unused sub

for Leamington

for a friendly

at the end

of the season

in 1989.

I swear.

Honest

(all poems by Joshua Seigal)