Give yourself a coronation.
Invite friends, colleagues, or even just the cat.
Stick a plant pot on your head
and declare yourself King of the Capybaras.
Burp the tune for Sharky and George
as you goose step in your pyjamas.
Go on, give yourself a coronation.
Fashion a sword out of empty Pringles cans.
Eat nothing but tapioca and pilchards for a week.
Gather up all your belly button fluff
and bury it in your great-uncle’s garden.
Look the wrong way down a pair of binoculars
as you cluck like a chicken and flap your arms.
Recite the Mongolian alphabet, backwards.
Crush up a centipede
and write yourself a certificate with the gunk.
Gargle with turnip juice
then anoint the sofa with your spit.
You deserve this.
Give yourself a coronation, pal.
You know you’re worth it.
