Ladies and Gentlemen, settle down now –
it’s the Annual Christmas Family Row!
Mum burnt the turkey. She’s snarling at Dad.
The dog stole a present. Aunt Betty’s gone mad.
Granny is snoozing and Grandad is pissed.
Derek the Racist gets slapped on the wrist.
Ladies and Gentlemen, settle down now –
it’s the Annual Christmas Family Row!
Your sister’s new boyfriend’s a stuttering wreck.
The children asked Santa for something hi-tech
but they each got the wrong kind of Pokemon game.
Dad says that their mother’s the person to blame.
Ladies and Gentlemen, settle down now –
it’s the Annual Christmas Family Row!
Derek is downing a whiskey or four.
Granny is drooling and starting to snore.
Aunt Betty complains that the sprouts are too tough.
She asks for more stuffing; there isn’t enough.
Ladies and Gentlemen, settle down now –
it’s the Annual Christmas Family Row!
Derek and Betty, they bicker and moan.
Granny and Grandad, they grizzle and groan.
The children are fighting. Dad’s gone to the loo.
He’ll sit there alone for an hour or two.
Ladies and Gentlemen, settle down now –
it’s the Annual Christmas Family Row!
In a world where we can’t predict what will come next
and the flux of events leaves us somewhat perplexed,
it’s nice to have something forever unchanged –
your family’s barmy; your kin are deranged.
So Ladies and Gentlemen, settle down now
for the Annual Christmas Family Row!
- Joshua Seigal
