LIONEL URINAL (& FRIENDS)

(NB this is not a kiddy poem)

He lurks by the bar,

He’s downing his beer,

He’s lairy, he’s sweary,

He’s had two or three.

He chats up the birds,

There’s nothing to fear

Until... he needs a wee.

For nothing panics good old Lionel

Like standing at the men’s urinal.

It makes him sweat, it scares him rigid,

Catching sight of another man’s digit.

Eyes straight ahead! Just keep on pishing!

Block out the view from your peripheral vision!

Gawk at the pork? No bloody way!

If you clock a cock you MUST be gay!

He’s dancing away,

He’s busting the moves,

He’s healthy, he’s wealthy,

He’s flashing the cash.

He’s loving the party vibe,

Loving the grooves

Until... he needs a slash.

For nothing tortures Micky McGee

Like a trip to the gentleman’s WC.

He’ll go to great lengths, he’s determined, he’s hell-bent

On avoiding the sight of another bloke’s bell-end.

He’ll don some blinkers, there’s a lot at stake –

He might catch a glimpse of a trouser snake!

It’s driving him nuts! He needs to get sectioned!

Penises flying in all directions!

He’s pumping some iron,

He’s lifting some weights,

He’s hurly, he’s burly,

He’s fit as a fiddle.

He’s flexing his biceps,

He’s feeling just great

Until... he needs a widdle.

For nothing troubles our man Gareth

Like copping sight of some dude’s phallus.

He gets palpitations, he breaks out in hives –

Eyes to the front! Don’t look to the sides!

For no other horror can compete

With an inadvertent peak of meat.

You’ll be OK, mate. You’ll struggle through.

But... is the guy next to you glancing at YOU??

Reading 'Just Like Me' to my niece

Here is a video of me reading my new picture book Just Like Me, published by Flying Eye, to my niece. Purchase the book here. Enjoy!

  

MANIMAL - new poem

My dad is a MANIMAL.

In the morning he WOLFS down his breakfast.

I try to MONKEY around with him

but he says he can’t BEAR it.

Sometimes he even goes APE

and tells me to stop RABBITING on

and BADGERING him.

Then he BATS me away

and SWANS off to work,

where he TOADIES around

and FISHES for money.

In the evening he PIGS out

and watches the CRICKET.

[optional adult ending]... Then he goes DOGGING. 

POEMS FOR MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK BY MY STUDENTS

These poems were written by students at my weekly lunch club. There were no models or stimuli; I just told them it was Mental Health Awareness Week and to write what they were feeling. Whether or not the poems below use a degree of poetic licence, I think we can tell that we are in the midst of a mental health crisis.

Poem by Aleeza

On the outside I’m happy

Sometimes slightly snappy

Inside I feel dead

My soul is locked up in a shed

Happiness is drifting away

Why can’t it stay

Friends cheering me up

But it doesn’t feel enough

One day will come

To bring back the happy sun

Poem by Maiya

They go around the ocean

I am the prey of the sea monsters

I am the victim of people

Voices by Safiyah

The voices tell me no one cares

About me and my stories

The voices tell me I should go

On a stabbing spree with myself

The voices tell my head

To have a headache and stress

The voices make me see things

Like people in empty cars

The voices tell me things

I don’t want to hear

These voices

Are my depression

Poem by Aaysha

Show happiness from the outside

Smile and wave

Inside it’s hell

Pain and sadness

Heart shattered

But can’t let anyone know

Keeping a dark secret

People drifting away

The world upside down

Loneliness is haunting

Life is not worth it

Memories gone

Gone forever

Holding it in

The day will come

Without me knowing

I will fall in a black hole of emptiness forever

I will be waiting.

 

POEM FOR MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK

Demons!

Demons in my mind

Demons in my head

Demons in my brain

Demons want me dead

Demons in my thoughts

Demons in my soul

Demons want my life

Demons want me whole

Demons in my body

Demons in my eyes

Demons in the silence

Demons in disguise

Demons with a sneer

Demons with a grin

But though they try and try and try,

Demons

             will

                  not

                       win.

visit: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/campaigns/mental-health-awareness-week

AMAZING POEMS ABOUT GENDER & INEQUALITY BY YEAR 8 GIRLS

I work at a girls' secondary school, where I recently led a workshop looking at gender, feminism and inequality. After looking at the life and work of Sojourner Truth, a pioneer in abolitionism and women's rights activism, the students wrote their own poetry examining their own identity. I'd delighted and proud to share some wonderful poems produced by the students:

Poem by Elaynath

Low expectations

Bad opinions

Bad reputations

You aren’t allowed

To meet their high expectations

Be modest

Be kind

You don’t need to know how to drive

Because you can wait for your husband

To take you out on a ride

To the shop you go

Buy make up

Buy clothes

Don’t get a job

Just learn how to mop

Let him control you

While he happily makes a fortune

Let him enjoy

You’re just his toy

You’re not allowed his kinda life

Because you aren’t a boy

Trapped by Elisha

As the wind hits my cheeks

I stare at the boys outside.

I stand there watching my friends get beaten up

by the men that brought us here,

but I can’t help,

because I’m trapped.

They think they are better and wiser.

They think they know what the future holds for me,

but they don’t.

They are as dumb as a dog.

They have no heart, no mind.

But I can’t do anything,

because I’m trapped.

I wish I had a family.

I wish I had a place to call home.

I wish I was standing in school

breathing in the fresh air with my friends

by my side.

But I have no tongue,

I can’t say a word,

because I’m a refugee.

The Difference Between Boys and Girls by Leotie

Girls:

They wake up each morning, they’re natural.

No make up, no hairspray, no product at all.

Straight to the bathroom to freshen up.

They’re out of concealer so they’re out of luck.

They worry ‘bout spots and scars all day,

Wondering what everyone else will say.

To be a girl in this world,

There’s a big price to pay.

Boys:

They wake up each morning with no care in the world.

Not insecure, don’t even care about girls.

Mess up their hair,

Walk out the door.

Throw on some clothes, they don’t care anymore.

No more feelings,

Bottle it up, nothing to say.

To be a boy in this world,

There’s a big price to pay.